My one-liners.....

What’s the one line I’d love to tell all these people? Here it goes...

To dad: “If you hadn’t married mom, where would I be?”

To mom: “If you knew dad was stingy before, would you still marry him?”

To brother: “I’ve managed with my cell-phone for 10 months with a starting balance of just 777 rupees. Don’t you think I’m the best brother in the world?”

To sister-in-law: “Would you please tie this rakhi on your husband’s arm?”

To nephew: “Do you think the Indian Government has to cut down taxes for imported baby diapers?”

To my friends: “If you are my friends, who need enemies?”

To Shahrukh: “You are the king” (respecting the sentiments of all SRK fans)

To Deepika Padukone: “Have we met before?” “I lost my phone number, can I have yours?” “Will you marry me?”

To every BT student: “There is plenty of scope in Biotechnology, but absolutely no job offers”

To committed girls: “You have no idea what you have missed. You just need to look better”

To eligible bachelors: “Back off. I was here first”

Aishwarya Rai: “My PU results toppled because of you”

Sanjay Dutt: “What the heck you doing here. Aren’t you supposed to be in jail?”

Salman Khan: “Ha! Katrina Kaif’s all mine now”

Indian cricket team: Nothing. I don’t talk to losers

You: “Thanks for reading this. Next time, pay me in cash”

Myself: “Shut this off. Its 1am. Its time to watch T.V”

Me and my idiot box

25 things I never missing watching on T.V:

• Art Attack on Disnep TV
• Manthana on ETV Kannada – its awesome !!
• All the afternoon mega-serials, they are more important to me than oxygen !!
• U2 anchors – all museum pieces !!
• tv9 breaking news – though none of them are !!
• Ripley’s believe it or not on AXN
• Max X on AXN – its so gross, and I love it !!
• Dexter’s Laboratory on Cartoon Network
• M.A.D on POGO
• Tiny T.V on POGO
• Koffee with Karan on Star World
• F.R.I.E.N.D.S on Star World
• The movie ‘Nayak’ on Sony - it comes twice every week
• Movie trailers on Sony Pix
• Bond films on Star Movies - the old ones, remember Sean Connery?
• English movies on Tamil channels
• Celebrity news on VH1 – ain’t they so interesting?
• David Attenborough shows on Animal Planet – his voice is magic
• Osama bin Laden news on CNN
• Shilpa Shetty gossip on Headlines Today
• Maria Sharapova on Star sports (I mean the tennis, not her)
• MTV Roadies, whenever they are on air
• Orbit-white commercials
• Mungaru Male songs on Suvarna
• The anchor Mithali Mukherjee on CNBC (just her, not the channel)

My F.R.I.E.N.D.S

As I type this, F.R.I.E.N.D.S is on air on Star World. For those of you who are already fans of this fan(tastic) show, skip this, for the rest, have a look

So F.R.I.E.N.D.S is not really an abbreviation. Its a popular TV show, and is about 6 people who live together in a little apartment in New York

Each character has his or her own style, and is over-whelmingly humorous

There’s the guys.

Joey (Matt le Blanc) who’s supposed to be an actor (but really sucks at it), he’s a voracious eater and never shares his food. Although he’s the stupidest amongst the rest, he’s so good looking that he’s almost slept with every girl in New York

Chandler (Mathew Perry) is trying to always prove his masculinity (in vain), Joey’s his best buddy and his poor one-line jokes are best understood by himself

Ross (David Schwimmer) is actually a Dr.Ross. No, not the medical kind, but a paleontologist. So his jargon mostly goes over the head of everyone

And then, there are the girls

Rachel (Jennifer Anniston) is a waitress, a gorgeous girl, but having a history of repeated marriages and divorces with Ross

Monica (Courtney Cox) is the loud-mouthed sister of Ross. She’s a great cook, but over-obsessive when it comes to cleaning; she prefers every object to be kept at 90⁰ with respect to the table, so if it’s not a right angle, its a wrong angle

Feebie (Lisa Kudrow) is a total weirdo. There’s hardly any sense in what she talks, yet its next to impossible to argue with her

Yup!! Take these characters, mix them with lots of bad dates, lots of blunders, lots of laughs, lots of emotions, and lots of love, and you get F.R.I.E.N.D.S

Watch it. Don’t worry if you are finding it tough to understand it at first, you will eventually, and then you’ll never stop watching it

Check: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friends

Please pray.....

Hey !! My cousin Madhuri is ill. And she needs all your prayers. God always treats my prayer as Spam. But when he receives this bulk mail of prayers, I’m sure he’ll consider it. So please pray for her fast recovery.

The stalking monster called 'P'

There's this weirdo I know. A supposed-to-be friend of mine. We'll call him 'P'.

P was normal at first. Good guy. Studious. Was an arm's distance away from girls.

M.Sc came and a sudden hormonal imbalance took place. He became a weirdo. A sudden gush of testosterone resulted in a sudden urge to get married as fast as possible.

It always happens this way. When puberty gets delayed, these side effects are imperative. Same case with 'P'. Suddenly he became this big big flirt. Started planning movie dates, wooing girls with Pani Puri and Gobi Manchurian became the order of the day, and the frequency of get-togethers suddenly increased, especially at P's place.

I sat back and just had fun. Until, P started getting me into trouble. I maintain this good reputation and rapport with everyone. Friends find me to be a good boy, a mom's kid. Suddenly, this P started gettin me a terrible reputation, exaggerated all my not-to-be-told stories, and made every person hate me.

Today, even strangers look at me disgustingly. If thats not enough, P even launched a blog kind of a thing and used it as a platform to reveal my dark secrets.

This is not revenge. Its just a warning to all of you. P is the kind of person every father warns their daughter about. There's a weirdo on the loose. You might be his next victim !!

Life @ T.I.M.E

I go to this place in Malleshwaram called T.I.M.E for my GRE classes

It stands for Triumphant Institute of something ... which I discovered only after 1 month of attending classes

A bunch of about 25-30 studious people are my batch-mates

One is from RVCE who's so dumb, he searches for a gents' toilet in Malleshwaram Ladies Association College (our center), and is so intelligent, he answers 30 math questions in 15 minutes

There's this girl, god knows from where, she draws margins, underlines, uses different coloured pens, apparently there is one such person in every class of the world

There's this girl from RT Nagar, same place as me, but somehow that doesn't seem to interest her, and the back-seat of my bike remains empty throughout the day

There's this Gujrati who somehow finds it convenient to use expletives as and when possible. Perhaps he's polishing his vocabulary. The other day he called a lecturer 'a bastard' for giving tough passages

There are these bunch of girls who never make their existence felt

Hardly 3-4 in class know that I exist., which is obvious coz I miss out every other class

In Vocabulary, we have reached the letter "L", and I think I'll kill myself by the time we finish

I avoid Math classes. The more I run away from it, the more it chases me

My exam's on Nov 13th, pray for me please

Chak De India !!

Just about ok.

SRK’s acting is pretty decent.

The 16 girls of the hockey team are cute, especially the Haryana dribbler Komal Chauthala.

Theme is really old; a million English movies have been made, ranging from football to ice hockey, baseball to basketball.

Exaggeration is at the same level. Unnecessary dramatization could be avoided.

Direction is lacking. Not much attention is paid to individual players. Team building was excellently shown in Lagaan, which is really missing in this movie.

It sells coz its brand SRK, but you can afford to miss this movie.

My rating: * * *

Cheeni Kum

Don’t watch it if you got diabetes, coz it’s a really ‘sweet’ movie.

Experimental, a bit of a dragger at times, but Big B and Tabu are adorable to watch.

Paresh Rawal’s talents are under-utilized.

Don’t compare this movie with Nishabd.

Its two and a half hours of neatly packed entertainment.

Watch it once, if you haven’t already.

My rating: * * * ½

Back ... with a bang

I’m back ... can you hear an explosion in your brains ???

There are a whole number of reasons why I’m back…

My well-wishers, who are so few in number, almost amounting to zero, said they wouldn’t mind much if I’m back online.

My enemy’s launched his own web-page and he’s using it as a platform to launch personal attacks on me. This is my avenue for revenge.

I love hearing the groan of people when they see my name in their inboxes.

I realized people are fed up of reading about Shilpa Shetty, Sanjay Dutt and Salman Khan. My life and my controversies sound more realistic, and everyone loves to laugh at my sorrows.

My senior wanted me back, and I blindly follow everything she says. Not because she’s my senior, but her eyes have a hypnotic power.

Off-late I see a lot of happy people, very few are having arguments at their work-place, they don’t fight with their wives anymore, and they have forgotten what sadness is. I can’t stand this. With me back, the number of divorce cases are gonna increase, people will lose their jobs, there will be no more peace, I shall bug them all with my stupid articles, and I’ll derive cynical pleasure out of all this.

No wonder the new theme of my blog is “ThE SmiLe RevOlutiOn”. Its my sincere attempt to take away your smiles :-)

The Malnad XP

I've been bunking my GRE classes. But I did something more important than sleeping. I went to see my girl-friend. She's the most beautiful thing ever !! She's called 'Nature' and she was at her best this season. Yes!! I went to view the highest falls of the country - the Jog. Here's a personal experience of the 3 days spent amidst the beauty of Western Ghats. Read it when U R really really free ... its a long one. Just click the link below:

http://malnadxp.blogspot.com/

To SRK with love

I’m not drunk. My brains are where they are supposed to be. And I’m not writing this with a gun pointed towards my temporal lobes (don’t mind my scientific awareness). This is a post on King Khan, and for the first time, its an unbiased one. I write this without being influenced by my hatredness towards him.

But why on earth do I hate Shahrukh Khan when the wide population of the girls worship him? Perhaps that’s one of the biggest reasons. I hate it when girls find him more attractive than me.

But on a more serious note, why really? And why on earth am I writing this article? I used my blog to the fullest possible extent to degrade SRK. I questioned his acting ability, I questioned his versatility, I even questioned his gender. I declared a full scale war on the movie ‘Don’ and dubbed it into the worst movie ever made. I would have gone on and on, unless I would be attacked by a girl, a girl who adores him.

Yes, Ishita my class-mate, pounced on me for speaking thus, and things would have taken a bad turn if I hadn’t taken back my words. Throughout M.Sc, we often had arguments over this topic. She hates the way I speak of SRK, and I was scared where she would one day drive a lorry over me. So Ishita, let me tell you this shocking fact, I was a die-hard fan of SRK once upon a time. The story goes like this…

Darr and Baazigar were wonderful movies of that time. I was impressed; SRK was slowly becoming popular. Although he dies a brutal death in both these movies, it was certain, this person was one to watch out for.

And then came Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge. He was exactly the guy I always wanted to be. Perfect. And he became my favorite actor. Every slam book, every profile, and I happily typed SRK as my favorite hero. I loved Kajol then, and I still do now, but with SRK, things took a different turn.

I missed watching Dil To Pagal Hai, and I kicked myself several times for that. But I watched Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. It seems to be the stupidest movie today, but I loved it then. And as usual, my favorite hero playing his role to perfection.

But slowly, I started getting bugged. His movies seemed all the same, his acting never differed even though he played different characters. ‘Duplicate” and ‘Yes Boss’ were like bull-shit. And that’s when I really started hating this guy.

I do admit I somewhere loved him in ‘Swades’, but the feeling of ‘hate’ spread so much in my blood, that I refused to acknowledge even if he acted well, and I made comments even without watching his movies. Heard ‘Chak de’ was good.

So, I’ve got no personal enmity with Mr. SRK. Therefore, I request all the girls not to harm me in any way. I am not able to walk safely on roads, especially when going to the vegetable market, as I constantly have this feeling of being watched. I promise my movie reviews won’t be biased and I won’t question anyone’s gender. Although Ishita’s not the type of girl who’d harm anyone, I know a few who can. So please spare me of your anger, my dad won’t get me a life insurance policy, and no insurance company would even give me one, knowing for a fact that my life’s always in danger, of killer girls !!