Suhas ... to the rescue

October 15th marks another milestone in my life. Its exemplary ... that I have become a real achiever this month. Went into contemplation ? Stop Stop ... i have neither been nominated for next year's Nobel Peace Prize (although I could be) ... or I have not decided to pledge my eyes (I have black-and-white vision, few people know that) ... I successfully helped my nephew Arya put on a shirt.

What ? Why are you rubbing your eyes so much ? Did you not get the picture ? Hello ... you think dressing up a 9-month old brat is easy ? I bet you cannot even button his shirt even once.

There are techniques ... i acquired them from different sources (that I cannot disclose for security reasons) ... but all I can say is ... the real way to put a shirt on an infant is ... let not the hand get into the sleeve ... but let the sleeve get into the hand ... intricate ain't it ? What isn't ?

This whole 'baby' thing in itself is so intricate. I mean ... I don't understand how God can stuff so much into that little fleshy creature. Babies are monsters ... I discovered that. They know how to allure you with their cheezy smiles and get their jobs done in return. They know that a tiny threat to burst out crying can make you go soft on him. They know everything ... its in-built ... operating system with fully loaded utilities and all ... But there are ways ... manipulative ones ... to evade them. I learnt them.

For example, an irregular movement of your fingers can cause interest in an otherwise about-to-cry baby. Expensive toys and furry animals are nothing more to these babies than surfaces for wiping their wet posterior. Give them the price tag, that comes along with your new trouser, and they play hours and hours with it. Give them a thread that is protruding from your vests, and they get ecstatic about it.

And when a baby grabs on a dangerous object, such as a wire, or a sharp wedge, things get real tough. You snatch that from him ... and you invite a 30-minute continuous sobbing. Give him another play-item, he'll take it in another hand, but wont let go of the dangerous object at all. What do you do ? Seconds tick ... its only a few moments before he pokes himself with it ... sweat starts trickling on your forehead ... tricky ... very tricky ... Here comes me to the rescue ... snatch the object from his hand, with such a force, that he should be stupefied on what just happened ... immediately substitute it with a bright colored or noisy object (anything ... even a missile launcher will do) ... and then start dancing as if it is time for celebrations ... do a bit of the junglee dance (take of your trousers ... and cover it up with spiny leaves) ... but do a weird dance ... and the little baby gets distracted ... and forgets the sharp object permanently ... voila !! We are done !!

So all you mommies out there ... come to me for special tactics ... first come first serve basis ... free seats available for only 100 rupees per technique ... and all you daddies ... i also do a special coaching on how to dispose of the diapers and clean the baby's ... uh ... stuff ... without getting them on your hands ... Why fear when me is here